All American Appelations

I thought it would be good to really start to chronicle (kkkkkkronikkkle) all the ways American weird-asses call each other. Thus, in no particular order, here goes. The structure will be Word then Use of word in sentence then any requisite physical components or bodily motions or actions, and finally why I think it sounds so dumb:


Chief - "Ey, Chief" - Upward Nod of the head - Chiefs are a dying breed. There are of course regions of the world where there are tribal chiefs however in those cases I would argue that their community or fellow tribesmen don't go around nodding at their Chief and saying "Ey Chief." It's also condescending - what the phrase is really intending to say is "Hey Not-Chief, I'm a Big Chief"

Champ - "Hey, Champ" - Upward Nod of the head w/ extremely fake smile and an optional pat on the back and/or light punch to the elbow - First of all, any pat on the back or elbow punch from someone I'm not very good friends with bugs the shite out of me, doesn't matter what the person says, but if they do choose to embellish with a "Hey Champ" then that triple-bugs the shite out of me. Got issues with the touch barrier from untrusted sources. Moreover, most people in the office are not Champions. They haven't won any gold medals or trophies for quite some time. So what it's really saying is "Hey there, I'm the shit. How are you?"

Guy - "Hey Guy" - Wide Eyes, Big Smile, Kinda sly, like you have more to say but you're holding back, definitely requires a head nod... likely w/ raised eyebrows - after Raf's experience w/ the gay "guy", this one's hilarious... it's not a felony, no real condescension that I can detect... it's more old-school and silly if used between younger people.... My gram says "Hey Guy" so it's cool when she says it of course but if some dude at work in the toilet says "Hey Guy" while we're both holding our "johnsons" then I get somewhat uncomfortable and slightly annoyed, so to recap - 1) not a felony 2) if my grandma says it, it's cool.

Big Guy - "Hey, Big Guy" - BIG, BIG fake Smile, optional nod of the head, semi-optional point with index finger to the alleged "big guy", very optional gut-TORAL snicker to follow the "hey, big guy" - AGHHHH! SO condescending. I would call this one a felony. It's just wrong. No one in an office environment is THAT big. If they were a "big guy" they'd be in the NFL or the NBA, that's where the gold mine / promised land of "big guys" is, not in the office. I'm 5'8", that's not big, that's average or maybe below average here in the US of A. It's basically asking "Were you aware that you are smaller than me? This probably applies to your penis as well"

Buddy - "Ey Buddy" - More Natural smile, quicker pronunciation of "Buddy" the better - this one's not so bad, it's non-threatening at least, only trace amounts of condescension, if any. One of the most satisfying to use sarcastically and kinda fun to say, makes me feel happy and warm inside... Still risky, especially between people who don't know each other... Risky....

Big Shooter - "Hey Big Shooter" - Deep Voice, happy but more serious delivery required. Slower delivery too, more of a surprise at what a truly "big" shooter you have in front of you. The "big shooter's" sheer size, should always cause you some minor shock. Big Shooter and Big Swinging Dick might be long-lost cousins, but this is TBD - anyway, this is one that doesn't piss me off as much as does not make any sense. Fuc's a big shooter? As in guns? Basketball? I don't get it. My rib hurts.

Boss - "What's Up, Boss" - Higher voice. Rising intonation as you deliver the phrase. For some reason, and I'm sure a good reason, Boss seems to be pronounced more like "Bawss" Even non-east coasters seem to be east coast when they say "what's up bawss", there's a certain element of surprise or excitement I have noticed with this one - I don't like this one, but I don't hate it as much as "big guy". Some slight condescension there... but not egregious... a little weird to call others "boss" but not that egregious... Something about it is fishy but it's not a felony.

More to come...